We asked several people who have partners experiencing persistent genital and sexual pain to answer some questions for us. Different colors indicate a different individual's answer to the question. We hope that you will find strength and encouragement as you read through this, knowing that you are not alone.
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Do you have suggestions for how to improve this page? Let us know!
Q: You’ve supported your partner through chronic sexual pain for some time now; think back to when you first found out together (or you found out) that painful sex affected your partner. Using what you know now, what would you say to that earlier-in-time version of yourself?
A: Thinking back to when I first found out, it was devastating. Because, honestly, as a head-strong man, I felt bad for my wife, but took a self-serving mental battle of "what about me", which immediately took our marriage downhill and began our "dark-age". Using what I know now, I have gotten rid of the "pig" in my head, which truly revealed my character as a man (the good, the bad, the ugly).
A: "Hey man, she told you about this issue and obviously sex is very important in a relationship. But she is willing to work around the problem and expects you to ride through the storm with her."
Q: If I asked your partner to tell me one or two things you do or say that make her truly feel supported and loved despite her struggle with pain, what do you think she would say?
A: I think that she would say I now connect with her on an intimate emotional level, not so much a physical level. Meaning that yes, there is always the evident oral solutions, in which we both quickly learned was not fully bullet proof, however, the heart of the intimate emotional connection is "support", i.e. my self-research on pelvic pain, accompanied doctor visits, dietary changes, intimate touching, kissing and affectionate comments, which she now jokingly calls me her "perv", but what's so awesome is she follows up with "but you are my perv, and you make me feel like the woman I was born to be...COMPLETE"
A: "We will get through this together because I am on your side. I do not love you less because of this roadblock in our sex life."
A: She would say that I am very patient, that I don't get frustrated or blame her for this problem.
Q: What’s one thing you’ve learned NOT to say to your partner regarding this issue?
A: One thing that I have learned definitely NOT to say to my partner regarding this issue is "What about me?", I would recommend anyone to stay away from that apocalyptic hell fire comment at any stage of the pain down there situation....LOL
A: I've always known never to say anything or indicate anything that communicated it was her fault.
A: "Don't be stubborn and just do what the doctors says"
Q: Were there times you wanted to give up? Why?
A: There were more times than I can count of wanting to give up, because of the God given DNA of simply being a man of flesh and bones. I thought I had these prerequisite needs and desires of sexual intercourse. It was that "me Tarzan, you Jane" male chauvinistic point of view that I honestly didn't know I had in me until "our" situation with the pain down there arrived front and center of our relationship.
A: I was more just frustrated more than anything and wondered if there was ever going to be a time when it did not hurt.
A: A few times I got upset because she was ready to quit and accept her fate. This was very discouraging for me.
Q: If so, what was it that kept you from giving up?
A: What kept me from giving up was simply an epiphany of being castrated...need I say more...ok, I will :-) Let's go back to the hell fire comment "what about me" and let's change that to "what if it were me?" That alone brought me to a place of homosapienism, no, that's not a word, but let's roll with it, ok. As a human being we let society dictate the norm of who we are, how we feel, and what we should do. It's in movies, television, and everyday conversations. This brainwashing doesn't change us until it's personal, then we take a different stance on issues...sad, but true. So ask yourself, "what if it were me?"
A: I made a commitment and I love her. Yes, it sucks and it is no fun but there were other reasons I married her besides sex.
A: That it's her who has the pain, not me. She needs a support and a shoulder to lean on, someone to help her be hopeful.
Q: What do you do or who do you turn to when you need some support of your own?
A: I communicate my struggles with a higher power, God, then my partner to talk it out without anger, frustration, just positive communication without being pig-headed. People I trust can also provide support, especially if they have been there done that. False positive addictive support does not work, such as support in a bottle, a can, porn, definitely not the red light district or to seek temporary sexual satisfaction elsewhere, drugs, etc. However, my partner's every blue moon medicinal method has eased the pain, especially with participation, that way when my partner has prescribed help, we take the HIGH road together...LOL...just kidding..maybe!
A: My faith and a mutual friend whose wife suffers from chronic pelvic pain.
A: I pray, meditate or talk to friends and family.
Q: What are you looking for from someone else when you turn to them for support?
A: Positive reinforcement of my core values of unconditional love, reading about and listening to the experts on the subject matter, hearing the stories of others in realizing that "we" are not alone. Not taking on the negative support mentality that "misery love company", but there is so much beauty to be found in those that support us..true enlightenment.
A: How do they deal with it. What are they also frustrated with in dealing with a someone who has painful intercourse What works and does not work for them. Mutual understanding and knowing I am not alone.
A: To be understanding and not necessarily to have all the answers but to offer practical life experience or insights.
Q: What has someone said to you that was well meaning but was hurtful or unhelpful?
A: I have heard some well meant comments that were hurtful and unhelpful, especially coming from my partner. "You should divorce me", "I want you to be happy elsewhere" and the flip side "Were you out intimate with someone else", "I bet she can do "it" easier than I can" or the kicker "I don't want to live like this anymore". I have no problem telling anyone besides my partner to "kiss my dairy air" or "don't let the door hit you, where the good Lord spit you" on there way out, when they say "dude, if you love her just deal with it"...notice the absence of how to deal with it. The greatest hurt has definitely come from my partner in those early to mid-stages, before we became co-pain-down-there team captains.
A: That she is being hard-headed. That she shouldn't gamble with her body or get frustrated when medicine isn't working.
Q: What is the best advice you've gotten along your way?
A: The short answer on the best advice I've gotten along the way is DON'T GIVE UP!
A: To not fight fire with fire. Work around around a head-strong person, don't butt heads with them. Use foreplay, push it bit by bit at her pace and respond to her signals.
Q: During the times when vaginal sex isn’t an option due to pain, how do you maintain intimacy with your partner?
A: We maintain intimacy together in stages of movie ratings. A few examples like this;
- Rated "G" THE EYES, is for everyday use: simple looks of undressing with the eyes, the I love you so much look, etc.
- Rated "PG" THE TOUCH, is for everyday use: the kiss, the hug, the light pet, the "this is mine" grab...LOL
- Rated "PG-13" THE COMMENT, is for everyday use: I love you, you look sexy, are you loosing weight?, are you on the desert menu?
- Rated "R" THE ACTION, is for minimum once a week: shower together, romantic dinner, watch a movie (even if it's your own), become oral technique guinea pigs, the backyard streaking (not recommend for the shy or the best route to take when you invoke a premature conversation about the birds and bees with the neighbors talking with their kids)
- Rated "X-XXX" THE BIG OMG! is for whenever spontaneity permits: you put the "@#$^!" in the "%*#$%" and you "!@%#@", sorry guys and gals, you have to fill in your own blanks!
A: Cuddling, kissing, hand holding, massages, listening to music, camping out, conversation, and just time together in silence.
A: Caressing, kissing, oral sex
Q: If your partner is currently able to have sex with no or low pain at least some of the time, what do you attribute that do?
A: When my partner is currently able to have sex with no or low pain some of the time, I attribute it to diet, exercise, medincinel/herbal care, faith and part-mental (psychological)...see movie rating above.
A: Maintaining her exercises and physical therapy. Being patient when beginning to be intimate is helpful as well.
A: I have no idea. Sometimes it is her state of mind or her ability to be relaxed.
Q: What has been the hardest thing for you in this experience?
A: Not being able to take the pain away and bearing it myself and the fear of having a "what about me relapse".
A: Her going through it all; the process and work she has to maintain in order to not have pain during intercourse. It hurts me sometimes that I hurt her and sometimes I feel like I am the one that causes it and we cannot enjoy a normal sex life.
A: Not being able to do anything about it.
Q: What are the blessings that have come out of this experience?
A: THE BOND between my wife and I. We have become one, co-captains in this journey together with all the rewards, trials and tribulations that come with it. We continue to fight the good fight together and we will NEVER GIVE UP!
A: Hopefully God rewards us for our patience. We have gone through very trying times, which helps us bond together and become one with our emotions and opening up.
Q: What other tips do you have for others out there trying to support partners with persistent genital/sexual pain?
A: Realize that it is not the end of the world as we know it, life...that's the key word "life"....goes on. My wife's life faces many challenges, in-turn, my life faces those challenges with her. Become a co-captain, get educated on the subject matter, seek medial and friend support, adjust the norm of everyday lifestyle on eating, exercise, seek our your higher power, realize that you both are not alone, but live LIFE. On both sides of the fence there remains the core value of unconditional love, understanding, compassion and NO GIVING UP!
This is no laughing matter, however, the humor I have displayed is just one of many coping mechanisms in place that my co-captain and I demonstrate in everyday life. With that being said, when the time is right, movie ratings G-XXX can actually be accomplished simultaneously within 45 seconds, you're good, your partner and you had FUN..hypothetically speaking of course.
A: It is not your fault nor theirs. Maintain communication and voice your frustrations and it is ok to be angry at the situation but not the person. There is a remedy. It will take patience, but remain steadfast and hopeful.
A: When it's resolved or resolving, it will be a lot better and you'll be all over each other.
A: Thinking back to when I first found out, it was devastating. Because, honestly, as a head-strong man, I felt bad for my wife, but took a self-serving mental battle of "what about me", which immediately took our marriage downhill and began our "dark-age". Using what I know now, I have gotten rid of the "pig" in my head, which truly revealed my character as a man (the good, the bad, the ugly).
A: "Hey man, she told you about this issue and obviously sex is very important in a relationship. But she is willing to work around the problem and expects you to ride through the storm with her."
Q: If I asked your partner to tell me one or two things you do or say that make her truly feel supported and loved despite her struggle with pain, what do you think she would say?
A: I think that she would say I now connect with her on an intimate emotional level, not so much a physical level. Meaning that yes, there is always the evident oral solutions, in which we both quickly learned was not fully bullet proof, however, the heart of the intimate emotional connection is "support", i.e. my self-research on pelvic pain, accompanied doctor visits, dietary changes, intimate touching, kissing and affectionate comments, which she now jokingly calls me her "perv", but what's so awesome is she follows up with "but you are my perv, and you make me feel like the woman I was born to be...COMPLETE"
A: "We will get through this together because I am on your side. I do not love you less because of this roadblock in our sex life."
A: She would say that I am very patient, that I don't get frustrated or blame her for this problem.
Q: What’s one thing you’ve learned NOT to say to your partner regarding this issue?
A: One thing that I have learned definitely NOT to say to my partner regarding this issue is "What about me?", I would recommend anyone to stay away from that apocalyptic hell fire comment at any stage of the pain down there situation....LOL
A: I've always known never to say anything or indicate anything that communicated it was her fault.
A: "Don't be stubborn and just do what the doctors says"
Q: Were there times you wanted to give up? Why?
A: There were more times than I can count of wanting to give up, because of the God given DNA of simply being a man of flesh and bones. I thought I had these prerequisite needs and desires of sexual intercourse. It was that "me Tarzan, you Jane" male chauvinistic point of view that I honestly didn't know I had in me until "our" situation with the pain down there arrived front and center of our relationship.
A: I was more just frustrated more than anything and wondered if there was ever going to be a time when it did not hurt.
A: A few times I got upset because she was ready to quit and accept her fate. This was very discouraging for me.
Q: If so, what was it that kept you from giving up?
A: What kept me from giving up was simply an epiphany of being castrated...need I say more...ok, I will :-) Let's go back to the hell fire comment "what about me" and let's change that to "what if it were me?" That alone brought me to a place of homosapienism, no, that's not a word, but let's roll with it, ok. As a human being we let society dictate the norm of who we are, how we feel, and what we should do. It's in movies, television, and everyday conversations. This brainwashing doesn't change us until it's personal, then we take a different stance on issues...sad, but true. So ask yourself, "what if it were me?"
A: I made a commitment and I love her. Yes, it sucks and it is no fun but there were other reasons I married her besides sex.
A: That it's her who has the pain, not me. She needs a support and a shoulder to lean on, someone to help her be hopeful.
Q: What do you do or who do you turn to when you need some support of your own?
A: I communicate my struggles with a higher power, God, then my partner to talk it out without anger, frustration, just positive communication without being pig-headed. People I trust can also provide support, especially if they have been there done that. False positive addictive support does not work, such as support in a bottle, a can, porn, definitely not the red light district or to seek temporary sexual satisfaction elsewhere, drugs, etc. However, my partner's every blue moon medicinal method has eased the pain, especially with participation, that way when my partner has prescribed help, we take the HIGH road together...LOL...just kidding..maybe!
A: My faith and a mutual friend whose wife suffers from chronic pelvic pain.
A: I pray, meditate or talk to friends and family.
Q: What are you looking for from someone else when you turn to them for support?
A: Positive reinforcement of my core values of unconditional love, reading about and listening to the experts on the subject matter, hearing the stories of others in realizing that "we" are not alone. Not taking on the negative support mentality that "misery love company", but there is so much beauty to be found in those that support us..true enlightenment.
A: How do they deal with it. What are they also frustrated with in dealing with a someone who has painful intercourse What works and does not work for them. Mutual understanding and knowing I am not alone.
A: To be understanding and not necessarily to have all the answers but to offer practical life experience or insights.
Q: What has someone said to you that was well meaning but was hurtful or unhelpful?
A: I have heard some well meant comments that were hurtful and unhelpful, especially coming from my partner. "You should divorce me", "I want you to be happy elsewhere" and the flip side "Were you out intimate with someone else", "I bet she can do "it" easier than I can" or the kicker "I don't want to live like this anymore". I have no problem telling anyone besides my partner to "kiss my dairy air" or "don't let the door hit you, where the good Lord spit you" on there way out, when they say "dude, if you love her just deal with it"...notice the absence of how to deal with it. The greatest hurt has definitely come from my partner in those early to mid-stages, before we became co-pain-down-there team captains.
A: That she is being hard-headed. That she shouldn't gamble with her body or get frustrated when medicine isn't working.
Q: What is the best advice you've gotten along your way?
A: The short answer on the best advice I've gotten along the way is DON'T GIVE UP!
A: To not fight fire with fire. Work around around a head-strong person, don't butt heads with them. Use foreplay, push it bit by bit at her pace and respond to her signals.
Q: During the times when vaginal sex isn’t an option due to pain, how do you maintain intimacy with your partner?
A: We maintain intimacy together in stages of movie ratings. A few examples like this;
- Rated "G" THE EYES, is for everyday use: simple looks of undressing with the eyes, the I love you so much look, etc.
- Rated "PG" THE TOUCH, is for everyday use: the kiss, the hug, the light pet, the "this is mine" grab...LOL
- Rated "PG-13" THE COMMENT, is for everyday use: I love you, you look sexy, are you loosing weight?, are you on the desert menu?
- Rated "R" THE ACTION, is for minimum once a week: shower together, romantic dinner, watch a movie (even if it's your own), become oral technique guinea pigs, the backyard streaking (not recommend for the shy or the best route to take when you invoke a premature conversation about the birds and bees with the neighbors talking with their kids)
- Rated "X-XXX" THE BIG OMG! is for whenever spontaneity permits: you put the "@#$^!" in the "%*#$%" and you "!@%#@", sorry guys and gals, you have to fill in your own blanks!
A: Cuddling, kissing, hand holding, massages, listening to music, camping out, conversation, and just time together in silence.
A: Caressing, kissing, oral sex
Q: If your partner is currently able to have sex with no or low pain at least some of the time, what do you attribute that do?
A: When my partner is currently able to have sex with no or low pain some of the time, I attribute it to diet, exercise, medincinel/herbal care, faith and part-mental (psychological)...see movie rating above.
A: Maintaining her exercises and physical therapy. Being patient when beginning to be intimate is helpful as well.
A: I have no idea. Sometimes it is her state of mind or her ability to be relaxed.
Q: What has been the hardest thing for you in this experience?
A: Not being able to take the pain away and bearing it myself and the fear of having a "what about me relapse".
A: Her going through it all; the process and work she has to maintain in order to not have pain during intercourse. It hurts me sometimes that I hurt her and sometimes I feel like I am the one that causes it and we cannot enjoy a normal sex life.
A: Not being able to do anything about it.
Q: What are the blessings that have come out of this experience?
A: THE BOND between my wife and I. We have become one, co-captains in this journey together with all the rewards, trials and tribulations that come with it. We continue to fight the good fight together and we will NEVER GIVE UP!
A: Hopefully God rewards us for our patience. We have gone through very trying times, which helps us bond together and become one with our emotions and opening up.
Q: What other tips do you have for others out there trying to support partners with persistent genital/sexual pain?
A: Realize that it is not the end of the world as we know it, life...that's the key word "life"....goes on. My wife's life faces many challenges, in-turn, my life faces those challenges with her. Become a co-captain, get educated on the subject matter, seek medial and friend support, adjust the norm of everyday lifestyle on eating, exercise, seek our your higher power, realize that you both are not alone, but live LIFE. On both sides of the fence there remains the core value of unconditional love, understanding, compassion and NO GIVING UP!
This is no laughing matter, however, the humor I have displayed is just one of many coping mechanisms in place that my co-captain and I demonstrate in everyday life. With that being said, when the time is right, movie ratings G-XXX can actually be accomplished simultaneously within 45 seconds, you're good, your partner and you had FUN..hypothetically speaking of course.
A: It is not your fault nor theirs. Maintain communication and voice your frustrations and it is ok to be angry at the situation but not the person. There is a remedy. It will take patience, but remain steadfast and hopeful.
A: When it's resolved or resolving, it will be a lot better and you'll be all over each other.
